{new} beginnings

one more chance.

to start all over.

to change our growth.

to grab ahold of grace.

and never let it go.

sarahjo

perfection + paranoia

saw Black Swan yesterday afternoon.

looked in the mirror last night & saw a couple of very red eyes.

nevermind that this is because i have a raging cold.

found myself crazily scratching my back today.

{hmmmm...}

i'm not paranoid...

sarahjo

christmastime {is here}

stop + grin

wishes + lists

my wishes this week {it being a special one & all}::

#1 sleep in. every. day.

#2 make fat-belly cookies!

#3 eat lots of topsy's popcorn.

#4 feast on my typical "christmas library movie list"

#5 reunite the tripod {after almost two years... good gracious!}

#6 go see black swan & little fockers

#7 perhaps start to read a book?

#8 be with the boy who was absent for far too long...

#9 be blissfully happy and child-like to my little heart's content.

truthfully this list could go on & on,

sarahjo

{just a} glimpse

{yes i'm} inked

i have nothing to be ashamed of.

i love my tattoos every bit today as i did they day i made the choice to get them. i think tattoos are more of a socially acceptable thing to have nowadays than they used to be. and i {by no means} got my tattoos just for the heck of it. well ok, maybe the first one on my wrist was a bit of a whim... but i don't love it any less. the other two were contemplated over months and it took a lot of work to create them::

sun with heart:: {my 1st} from my favorite verse, Psalm 46:5, which youve probably seen at the bottom of my blog a few months ago... "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day."

lock & key:: from one of my favorite books by Sarah Dessen "Lock & Key", but mostly it has to do with guarding your heart.

love them anyways:: inspired by Martina McBride's song "Anyways". i especially loved this one part- "you can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons. and in a moment they can choose to walk away. love them anyways."

i can't say {as of right now} that i will get anymore tattoos... unless i find/have a thought of something i truly want/have to have. i'm happy with what i've got.

sarahjo

see {it}

and although there is a beauty in walking away,

i always hope that You will give me the courage to conquer what i fear most...

and that i will be awakened,

knowing that You will make me one. brave. girl.

sarahjo

you + me = we

dear boy,

5 more days of work.

1 week total til i make the

4 hour drive home.

and no, the time did not fly by.

sarahjo

{p.s. watching love stories on tv only made me more acutely aware of my loneliness. hurry back.}

truly {madly} deeply

and even though you don't want to {quite possibly} be my friend,

it's hard to stay mad at you.

because the truth is... your ignorance will be costly.

not only to me.

but to someone else you deeply care about.

this is more than just a warning, dear.

eventually, everyone falls off their high horse.

sarahjo

ribbons + bows

"it's something we all try to ignore

and put a wreath up on your door."

my patient could not stop singing hymns and christmas carols all day today. i found myself singing along while charting. And i couldn't help but smile every time he exclaimed, "amen, amen!"

And the truth is today does hold something special...

not superficial.

your lyrics are genius, taylor.

amen.

sarahjo

dance + the sugarplum fairy

my favorite music to listen to usually at this time of year is Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker. and i've been so inspired, i have started to wish that i would have stayed in dance when i was younger. maybe even have been a ballerina and eventually earn my pointe shoes! oh well... just one of the many dreams that didn't happen. the pictures sure are pretty though::

maybe i'll just dance around my room anyways,

sarahjo

{to be} sincere

"and i can't pull off the cheer.

not this year."

i feel exactly {word for word} the way this song describes one's lack of christmas joy today.

i feel i've had so much loss and hurt this year... more than have ever had in my entire life.

and i'm not just referring to my job and the many patients that have passed.

but friends {or those who i thought i would eventually be close to}.

financial struggles.

loneliness.

lack of motivation to read a single page of a book for the past several months.

and if i were to be truly honest with you? i would tell you up front in person that i've never been more angry or frustrated or jealous of others ever. it's sad.

and so the wrong time of year to be feeling this way.

and i don't think i can fake it either.

not this year.

sarahjo

{unrealistic} wish list

oh there are so many cute, sparkly and just plain lovely things i want for christmas this year! {not any of which i asked for, except perhaps one}. but, a girl can dream can't she?

here are the visions of sugarplums dancing in my head::

1. Ugg bailey button triplet boot {whew, that's a mouthful}. and may i suggest to those of you who love ugg boots as i do, buy kids boots! seriously, they are about $30 cheaper.

2. Coach poppy fragrance. holy moly, this new perfume smells so freakin' good!

3. FEED eco burlap bag. it's for a good cause. plus they are super big {that's my kinda purse}!

4. Brita {pink!} water filter. their new commercial just made me want to get one even more. and they have pink ones at bed+bath! check out their commercial here.

5. glitter/sparkly heels! oh my gracious these are SO popular this year. and they are cute + sparkly. my favorite combination.

6. macaroons. i've seen these little {what i think look like tiny, colorful hamburgers} delicacies photog'ed everywhere. not only that, but Blair Waldorf was eating them. they have to be good then, right?

7. Starbucks burlap travel mug. now that i'm starting to make my own coffee and all...

8. Lauren Conrad style book. all of Lauren's personal style tips. plus, i just adore her!

i think it's very diverse... another list-making success! hehe {i just had to get it out of my system.}

sarahjo

{what's} to come

taylor swift + needtobreathe.

in september.

you bet i'm going.

duh.

sarahjo

light up {the street}

may all your troubles soon be gone

those christmas lights keep shining on.

::coldplay- christmas lights::

{break} free

i would KILL to travel the world for a year like Julia Roberts did in Eat Pray Love. instead what i took away was lessons that the main character herself learned::

:: "ruin is a gift; ruin is the road to transformation."

:: the chaos wasn't within her {as she originally thought}. it was the world around her that was driving her MAD! {ha. no kidding.}

:: guilt for doing nothing. the italians actually gave her a hard time about this because she didn't know how to just be. eventually she found herself sitting on the floor, in her pj's, eating breakfast and whispering to herself..."the sweetness of doing nothing."

this sounds like a movie review... but i have only good things to say about it! you should see it!

sarahjo

forever + today

no green bean casserole or pumpkin cheesecake for me!

nope, instead i got a pressed turkey meal for free!

YaYa!

but the highlight of my day was seeing my patient's face light up for me serving her a piece of {unexpected} key lime pie.

this is why i'm a nurse.

thanksgiving is in kansas. but it's also here.

and today it was in having a job.

a good team of patients.

surrounded by friends and fun co-workers.

and it made the pressed turkey totally worth it.

thank you Lord for these small gifts that i receive everyday that somehow go unnoticed,

sarahjo

{a right} mind

"half of my heart's got a grip on the situation. half of heart takes time."

mmmm... i'm in love with john mayer's songs all over again.

sorry, michael buble, but you will never be him.

nice try.

sarahjo

nowhere {to go}

you + i

"you don't really forget a person. you just forget why you needed them in your life."

it's so confusing.

it's so sad.

that you & i are right back where we started.

not even speaking.

and i just can't keep pretending...

sarahjo

{just} watch me

if rebecca bloomwood and molly gunn can start all over, then SO CAN I!

sarahjo

{lost} myself

{little} wars

take what you want

steal my pride

build me up

or cut me down to size

SHUT ME OUT

but i'll just scream

i'm only one voice in a million

but you ain't taking that from me

balloons + ballerinas

Listening to "Never Grow Up" made me realize that I feel the exact same way that Taylor does:: someday everything I have will be gone. Time has already taken Petshops, hamsters, "say like", best friends and scraped knees away from me.

And watching my {not so} little sister finish out her final high school festivities and just turn 18 makes me wish I had those memories back even more. I think, ::Gosh, I wish I could relive some of those hilarious moments in Madrigals or cheering at a football game or rehearsals for the musical:: . But you can't get that back.

I wanna tell her that it goes by so fast, you'll blink and it will be gone. Hold onto it tightly and remember it all:: the Chiefs' cheerleader halloween costume, the chocolate on your mouth when you were playing wiffle ball in the front yard, and even dancing in the living room with your brother in anticipation of opening Christmas presents.

Just because you are considered a grown up now doesn't mean you need to spare innocence. Never lose that.

Even when you go to college.

The day you get married.

And {someday} have babies.

I love you so much, Hannah. Even now that you've become the incredible, smart, talented, beautiful woman that you are. And that will never change.

I will always remember the footsteps, the words said, and the songs we used to make up.

sarahjo

sassy + sweet

"She can laugh when she's in pain, she doesn't have to fake it. But she's still shattered inside. She's just forgotten for a moment."

I used to call her Miss "Thang". She was sassy, hilarious and didn't have a mean bone in her body. Oh, but I am such a selfish little girl. To think that the world could contain her beautiful heart would have been a joke. Because she knew where she really wanted to be :: home.

"in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbyes
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No more

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You"

So I cry tears of joy and sing praises to a God that has forever ceased your pain and suffering. I love you always. The beauty will rise out of these ashes. We will see it. We will dance among it. Joy is coming in the morning.

P.S. You are my favorite. And I will always brag about how great you were. I will never forget you.

sarahjo

comfort + joy

you know the part in Edward Scissorhands where Winona Ryder dances in the falling snow {really being shaved ice} ? i wanna do that.

in a white dress & ugg boots, preferably.

that's what i want for christmas.

sarahjo

{never} give up

{well} spoken

This is a pictures & quotes speak for me kind of week::

"You, have this whole tall, dark stranger thing going on. Not to mention the tortured artist bit."

"And you, have that whole blonde cool and collected perfect smart thing going on."

"You're the boy all the girls want to rebel with."

"You, are the unattainable girl in homeroom who never gives a guy the time of day."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

dear sarah dessen, i will meet you someday... adding it to the bucket list {right now}.

sarahjo

{not} happy

“The saddest kind of sad

is the sad that tries not to be sad.

You know, when sad tries to bite its lip

and not cry

and smile

and go,

“No, I’m happy for you” ?

That’s when it’s really sad.”

— John Mayer

i am trying... but is it really working?

sarahjo

bright + shining

:: open my eyes::

not a care {in the world}

{playing} dress up

I hear the justification time and time again, "Halloween is the one day out of the year that adult/teenage girls alike can get away with dressing skimpily." Of course, a term other than "skimpily" was used. Instead of a costume with more coverage, some opt for the short/more revealing version of the same character. What has me going over the edge is that {clearly} it's just getting worse. Even little girl costumes.

And honestly, it's about time you heard the truth. Even if it hurts to hear it. But why am I doing all the talking? Here's something I came across from a friend who posted on facebook. And mind you, {although she will remain nameless} she is a mother which makes it all the more important for young women to hear this::

"Dear females, please have some self-respect and don't dress like a strumpet for Halloween. You will certainly attract attention, but it's neither the kind you really want nor is it from the caliber of male that you deserve. *and now the soapbox has been put away*."

And I'm not just picking on girls either! Boys really should be careful what they wear as well. Costumes seem to be getting more racy and violent/gory-looking for the males. Holy-moly! Remember men/women, what you wear is seen not only by your peers, but parents and younger children WHO LOOK UP TO YOU!

So, maybe it's time to be a grown-up and realize that self-expression does not necessarily mean to downgrade and objectify yourself.

with that said, have a happy and safe halloween!

sarahjo

p.s. To those who I offended:: please remember that my blog is not here to please all people. I'm not afraid to step on toes. Therefore, I will not apologize. Especially when it comes to immodesty.

{feels like} home.

i really don't want to go home.

then again... there are some things i have desperately missed.

my kitties.

my bed.

my closet {aka not having to live out of a suitcase}.

i have even missed my car and being able to just GO when i want.

so maybe to it's time to look forward {to}::

my sister's musical.

thanksgiving weekend.

a whole five days off for christmas with my family.

i just need to remember to wait patiently for all these good things.

sarahjo

i {still} feel it.

I am sorry for my blogging absence. Trust me, I have been itching to get on my abandoned macbook. I promise I will be back in full-force in a little over a week. But for now, I am thoroughly enjoying my vacation and the beautiful Indiana {fall} scenery. Lots of photograph-ing. Lots of sleeping in.

I saw the above quote on the back of a t-shirt in youth group on Sunday. And I added a little something extra at the end.

Can you tell I'm loving my aperture trial run?

sarahjo