if i don't speak {then who's gonna tell you?}

yikes! it scares me when my heart feels vengeful. & how easily it comes.

like perhaps me telling someone how awful they are makes me the “better” person?

i like to call it “crashing the party.”

we try to tear someone’s party favors down {their ego} when we feel that they have no remorse for hurting others. 

i’ve only done that a few select moments in my life.

but it’s history i don’t want to repeat.

it only seems comfortable to remain angry at a person who wronged you.

& practice verbally defending yourself in the mirror,

hoping to have a confrontation one day so you can tell them how you REALLY feel//felt.

but it doesn’t make things better.

& it won’t make room for healing.

forgiveness is necessary. grudges only hinder.

sarahjobell

our souvenirs.

it can be anything.

maybe something simple::

a smell. an object. a song. a keepsake.

or it maybe complex::an old hang out spot. a note written or received. a phone call you picked up. cutting remarks exchanged. or maybe words to strengthen. a bridge burned. lessons learned.

whether it be a flashback that’s hard to choke back or a moment you wish you could recapture, our memories follow us… & sometimes they haunt us. they can tear us apart or help to put the pieces back together.

but no matter if the recollection was good or bad, it doesn’t have to dictate our lives. you don’t have to stay stuck in the same small town.  just because you were the nerdy kid or most popular person in high school doesn’t mean you’ll have that identity forever. & you shouldn’t wait around for your ex girlfriend//boyfriend to change their mind.

so let go of what you cannot change + strive to break the chains. forgive + forget. laugh at your mistakes. smile fondly at what used be + then move on…

sarahjobell

{love} defies odds.

love is like floating around.

love breaks through barriers.

love is not a piece of cake.

& love is not nonsense,

sarahjobell

cozied {up}

sometimes i think it would be nice to live in a different zipcode.

kansas always sounds appealing because of its familiarity.

colorado is my even bigger dream that seems a little out of reach right now, but is still possible in the future.

but right now, home is here in oklahoma.

& i’m just happy to be cozied up in my bed {kinda worn out from this last week + thinking about the one ahead.}

snuggling with three adorable cats.

just relaxing.

even if it is just one day off work.

sarahbell

winsomeness + worth

& you ask yourself

"who do i wanna be?"

do i wanna throw away the key

& invent a whole new me?

i don't wanna be no one

but me.

give + take

"today, i'm sitting in my hospital bed waiting to have both my breasts removed. but in a strange way i feel like the lucky one. up until now i have had no health problems. i'm a 66 year old woman in the last room at the end of the hall before the pediatric division of the hospital begins. over the last few hours i have watched over 30 cancer patients being wheeled by in wheelchairs and rolling beds. none of these patients could be a day older than 15. MMT"

i know life is way too short to be bitter + hold grudges.

i have loved many of my cancer patients for their will to endure so much.

& i've watched many of them pass, sadly.

that's why i'm not going to let hatefulness affect me.

because i believe in impossibilities::

for those who have given me a dirty look,

i hope i get to introduce myself to them, shake their hand, + smile in the future.

to all those who have said, "you shouldn't be friends",

i hope someday they understand that we all make mistakes,

but that doesn't make you a bad person.

don't they know Jesus loved + hung out with people that were disgraced by society?

i believe in being genuine. and i want to be that to everyone. i want to sit at the table & share a coffee with someone who everyone else says/thinks is my enemy. i want to sit by a homeless man who has been on drugs for years + lost all of his family, & listen to his story.

i wanna love someone even if they don't want to return the gesture.

i'm not stupid or crazy for loving + wanting to be friends with someone that everyone else says is a bad idea. remember that genuine thing i told you about? well, i genuinely think it's the right thing to do.

if my crazy, hyper cat {who hates cuddling/being held} can find contentment in sleeping beside me, then i believe God can make even the greatest impossibility happen.

sarahbell

something better {than bitter}

"life is too short to be angry with people; be frustrated over things that don't matter in eternity or gossip about others. It's much better to forgive as we are forgiven; be kind to others no matter what they do to us; and believe the best in others instead of assuming the worst...this is what Christ did for each of us."

{loved this quote from a wonderful lady i knew at kanakuk kamps years back}

this is going to be a hard thing for me to face in the coming fall months.

i know myself too well, and it takes me a LONG time to forgive.

especially when i truly believe the decision someone made for me is a mistake.

but, better that i'm separated from it now to allow for healing + prepare for everything come January...

there's always something better than being bitter... being the grown-up,

sarahbell

open {your eyes}

"what you say and how you look does not define who you are, because some of the most beautiful people do the ugliest things. you owe something to the people who hate you, who disrespect you and who put you down. because they are the ones who have made you who you are today; for keeping your head up and not breaking down when they want you to."

and these same people either brag or throw themselves a pity party the majority of the time.

and it's sad. i think you need to take a hard look at something::

because i encounter people on a daily basis that are SO much worse off than the teenagers or college kids that only think their situation is absolutely terrible.

open your eyes.

go to a hospital or homeless shelter or oncology unit and realize how good you have it.

listen to a true story that will make you think twice.

because being too sheltered can be detrimental,

sarahjo

wild {at heart}

'cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine

I bet we'd get along just fine

He could calm a storm + heal the blind

& I bet He'd understand a heart like mine.

& I fly away.

{be} alright?

i just take a deep breath.

gather my thoughts...

& pray for the best.

sarahjo

{things that matter} things that don't

I have to get on my soapbox {at least for today}.

My brother woke up today and officially started his summer. He also woke up to some tragic news. A guy he went to school and happened to be friends with got in a motorcycle accident that took his life. I will spare you the details, but tell you this: no helmet. Fact.

Now, this is already a tough issue for me as I've had a patient in the hospital who has already undergone SEVERAL surgeries and was on life support from a motorcycle accident. He was in pretty good shape {he wore a helmet}. His young daughter survived too.

I almost lost a classmate the summer I graduated from a motorcycle accident. She isn't even the same person anymore {she didn't wear a helmet}.

Things That Matter: I would never support anyone to buy a motorcycle, but I will say this. IF you're going to, please wear a helmet. When you get in a car, put on a seat belt. It's just not worth it.

Things That Don't: People may think it's more fashionable and cool to not wear some form of a safety harness. And honestly being on a motorcycle or driving in a car is dangerous enough. But does it really matter when it's the difference between life and death? Between a broken bone or being on a ventilator?

Some risks are worth taking in life. And some are just plain stupid.

I am praying that God heals this boy's family and friends from the hurt and pain they are going through right now. To see my own brother start his summer out this way only brings back my own painful memories.