left {behind}

let’s face it::

some moments + memories are better left stashed away.

{come find} Me.

“sometimes God allows us to have what we are asking for, to let us see our own lack of understanding.”

& i finally saw that today in the sermon at church.

& how it applies to my life.

to a “T”.

& yes, it took me driving all the way down to sarasota, florida to finally get it.

maybe because i just feel so close to God’s unique beauty + creations.

or maybe because this is a familiar place to me. a home.

either way, i know fear is what held me back.

i thought this someone in my life was too big {of an influence} + God was//felt so small. that mindset has crippled me. & i was living in fear of letting go {of surrendering} because i didn’t trust that God has something better planned for me. i just wasn’t listening…

& i heard Him say, “stop looking at their life, sarah. it only hurts + hinders you. nothing good is coming from it. just let it go + I will take care of it.”

i know it’s going to be a daily challenge, but it’s not impossible.

i can do this with God’s help.

sarahjobell

costs + rewards.

i hope maybe someday you'll see that i'm not such a terrible person.
{& that you messed up too.}

i wonder if you even realize how costly your mistakes have been...
& how hollow the reward is.

sarahjobell

delicate + enduring.

i hate having sleepless nights.

i hate when i feel that someone got the best of me.

{insecurity can be such a thief.}

& i really hate letting go when i don’t want to.

but i know i need to.

thank goodness i don’t need to be strong all the time.

because He will be that for me.

sarahjobell

loving well {with a fragile heart}

this morning i prayed for more peace about past hurts.
& it was hard...
knowing that i've held on to my pain + have plainly stared at my scars over the past 2 years.

when you try repeatedly to have closure {or try to fix what you broke}with someone,
it's pretty easy to assume the worst when a month, 2 months, + now almost 5 months have gone by.
& we still haven't spoken.

& i don't want to assume. buti'm still bothered.

i think it's time to decide whether i have the strength to let it go completely...
or do i have the guts to speak to my friend again.

somedays i wish i wasn't so fragile,

sarahbell

open.your.heart.

sometimes i wonder…

what if we were real?

{because you + i were made for so.much.more.}

carry {on}

i choose to love you nonetheless.

tell me {why}

don't you feel guilty about what you're doing?

why would you feel sorry for me... ever?

how'd we end up this way?

don't you know your string of lights still shine bright {to me}?

you know i'd rather love than fight,

sarahbell

rock + a hard place

some things are just hard to understand.

{but this too shall pass...}

holding {on}

sometimes holding hands, is holding onto everything.

so i take a deep breath {with you}.

& start over again.

admire + aspire

dear owl diary::

i love that i can share such similar "lessons learned" with you this week.

i admire + aspire to be more like all these things.

even your "mindless" thoughts + ramblings inspire my little blogged world + self.

for instance::

#1 a true friend is one who loves you in spite of yourself & your flaws.

#2 it's okay to be bitter temporarily, but never stop striving to be the better person.

#3 genuineness is rare- goal: be full of this.

#4 "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." stand up for yourself.

you have shed some light on a tough hurt + i am reminded {again} that it is best to go with gut instincts & stick with the friends i know will not intentionally burn me. i forgot where the confident girl inside me went + now i know that it's simply ridiculous that i lost her in the first place. now i know for sure:: i need to tune in to intuition + stop allowing others to victimize me. & you know what? then i'll be just fine.

i'm learning right along with you,

sarahbell

faults + fairness

i'm having trouble coming up with the words.

so i think i'll just spit em right out.

i messed up.

not the kind of screw-up where it's your tone of voice or facial expression that gives it all away.

but a royal, goose egg of a mess up:: i was so honest that it came out brutal + cruel. ALL. WRONG. & you know what? i never really got to the point!

my part 1 post from last month was a mistake.

i erased it. the first post i've EVER erased.

i was hurt because i want her friendship but i feel like we are drifting. but that's not her fault nor is it fair.

so i'm writing to tell you, my readers, & the person i hurt deeply, i'm so very sorry from the bottom of my heart. for dragging you into my hateful thoughts. for giving too much information about my personal life. for ever being so mean and cruel about anything whatsoever on my blog. i never meant for my writing to turn into this.

i know it was God that did not allow me to go any further in my story, because you know what? it just never felt right to do it in the first place.

i am truly ashamed + incredibly sorry,

sarahbell

wish + prayer

my only wish + prayer::

that you, as my readers, would keep an open heart as i tell part 2 of my story tomorrow.

it's tough stuff.

but i want you to remember that guarding your heart is so important.

even when it comes to friends.

& that's why i'm telling my story.

sarahjo

the gift {of a friend}

much needed best friend dates.

within the next 2 days.

did i mention they are a couple of the coolest chicks i know???

yeah, you're jealous...

sarahjo

{it's a} tragedy

cause i liked it better when you were on my side,

sarahjo

once + for all.

dear fair weather friend,

is it strange that i feel better + am glad that we don't talk anymore?

i feel that i can finally start healing.

because the truth is, i don't want to be mad or upset with you anymore.

you will go on with your life just pretending to love people like it's a game.

just like you pretended to love me.

it's just plain mean.

& i can't change that.

so go ahead + hold onto that grudge,

but i'm letting you go.

once + for all.

i want to forgive you + forget you,

sarahjo