costs + rewards.

i hope maybe someday you'll see that i'm not such a terrible person.
{& that you messed up too.}

i wonder if you even realize how costly your mistakes have been...
& how hollow the reward is.

sarahjobell

delicate + enduring.

i hate having sleepless nights.

i hate when i feel that someone got the best of me.

{insecurity can be such a thief.}

& i really hate letting go when i don’t want to.

but i know i need to.

thank goodness i don’t need to be strong all the time.

because He will be that for me.

sarahjobell

loving well {with a fragile heart}

this morning i prayed for more peace about past hurts.
& it was hard...
knowing that i've held on to my pain + have plainly stared at my scars over the past 2 years.

when you try repeatedly to have closure {or try to fix what you broke}with someone,
it's pretty easy to assume the worst when a month, 2 months, + now almost 5 months have gone by.
& we still haven't spoken.

& i don't want to assume. buti'm still bothered.

i think it's time to decide whether i have the strength to let it go completely...
or do i have the guts to speak to my friend again.

somedays i wish i wasn't so fragile,

sarahbell

going down + burning out

"i won't go as a passenger, no

waiting for the road to be laid

though i may be going down

i'm taking flame over burning out.

compare where you are and where you want to be,

and you'll get nowhere."

can i just say today has been awful? because it truly has.

ugh, i just need to be pinterest-ing, painting my nails, & listening to sara bareilles.

i really am out of foolproof ideas, sara.

sarahbell

carry {on}

i choose to love you nonetheless.

tell me {why}

don't you feel guilty about what you're doing?

why would you feel sorry for me... ever?

how'd we end up this way?

don't you know your string of lights still shine bright {to me}?

you know i'd rather love than fight,

sarahbell

rock + a hard place

some things are just hard to understand.

{but this too shall pass...}

give + take

"today, i'm sitting in my hospital bed waiting to have both my breasts removed. but in a strange way i feel like the lucky one. up until now i have had no health problems. i'm a 66 year old woman in the last room at the end of the hall before the pediatric division of the hospital begins. over the last few hours i have watched over 30 cancer patients being wheeled by in wheelchairs and rolling beds. none of these patients could be a day older than 15. MMT"

i know life is way too short to be bitter + hold grudges.

i have loved many of my cancer patients for their will to endure so much.

& i've watched many of them pass, sadly.

that's why i'm not going to let hatefulness affect me.

because i believe in impossibilities::

for those who have given me a dirty look,

i hope i get to introduce myself to them, shake their hand, + smile in the future.

to all those who have said, "you shouldn't be friends",

i hope someday they understand that we all make mistakes,

but that doesn't make you a bad person.

don't they know Jesus loved + hung out with people that were disgraced by society?

i believe in being genuine. and i want to be that to everyone. i want to sit at the table & share a coffee with someone who everyone else says/thinks is my enemy. i want to sit by a homeless man who has been on drugs for years + lost all of his family, & listen to his story.

i wanna love someone even if they don't want to return the gesture.

i'm not stupid or crazy for loving + wanting to be friends with someone that everyone else says is a bad idea. remember that genuine thing i told you about? well, i genuinely think it's the right thing to do.

if my crazy, hyper cat {who hates cuddling/being held} can find contentment in sleeping beside me, then i believe God can make even the greatest impossibility happen.

sarahbell

{look} up

He knows where i am + where I've been.

& i never have to go there, again.

holding {on}

sometimes holding hands, is holding onto everything.

so i take a deep breath {with you}.

& start over again.

so long {summer}

i wish i could stay at the beach + ocean forever.

no makeup.

wild hair.

always tan.

but i do miss my kitties.

& my bed.

normal american food...

& being able to have a shower everyday.

packing is SO not my favorite...

sarahbell

faults + fairness

i'm having trouble coming up with the words.

so i think i'll just spit em right out.

i messed up.

not the kind of screw-up where it's your tone of voice or facial expression that gives it all away.

but a royal, goose egg of a mess up:: i was so honest that it came out brutal + cruel. ALL. WRONG. & you know what? i never really got to the point!

my part 1 post from last month was a mistake.

i erased it. the first post i've EVER erased.

i was hurt because i want her friendship but i feel like we are drifting. but that's not her fault nor is it fair.

so i'm writing to tell you, my readers, & the person i hurt deeply, i'm so very sorry from the bottom of my heart. for dragging you into my hateful thoughts. for giving too much information about my personal life. for ever being so mean and cruel about anything whatsoever on my blog. i never meant for my writing to turn into this.

i know it was God that did not allow me to go any further in my story, because you know what? it just never felt right to do it in the first place.

i am truly ashamed + incredibly sorry,

sarahbell

{it's a} tragedy

cause i liked it better when you were on my side,

sarahjo

the typical + routine

"somehow it's reassuring knowing i'm not the only one pretending to be normal."

-dexter morgan

doodle + scrawl

i would kinda love to have the motivation + child-like wonder again,

getting lost in a book.

that used to be my favorite thing in the whole wide world.

to pick up this moleskine & doodle + scrawl out all these jumbled thoughts,

to my little heart's content.

maybe then my imagination would breathe some life again.

sarahjo

{to} attempt

sometimes i wish you would actually try talking to me again.