stuck in a {fearful} corner.

my poor little blog probably feels so helpless from me abandoning it.

it’s pathetic really.

fear will do that to you, i guess… make you abandon people, places, things that made you happy. speaking from experience, being in a particularly vulnerable place in life myself, fear is a terrible corner to back yourself up in. i have harbored the full spectrum of emotions over the past several months. & somehow after all the anger, crying, jealousy, + hurt begin to dwindle, i have fear leftover on my plate. fear in how to approach these situations + people that have been the cause.  i have this fear of saying the wrong words at the wrong moment. but if i’m really being honest, then i need to say out loud how i’m feeling. i need to be vulnerable.

& i’m trying to gain some perspective. i’ve been looking at my current state so closely, i feel like i’ve put it under a magnifying glass. & all i can see is the negative. my heartache, anger, hopelessness… it’s time to take a step back and look at the big picture. there will be something good that will come out of this, right? i have to believe there will be. otherwise, i will be stuck in my fearful corner for awhile…

sarahjobell

transition + more...

i am a firm believer in keeping things simple. this time of transition in my life {or coming upon it} has left me anxiety-ridden.

i’ve wrapped the twine so tightly around my finger, my pulse is cutting off. & turning it blue.

but i still have hope. i’ve heard it said that if God cares so much to create a beautiful sunset or breathtaking mountains all for US to enjoy, then can you even fathom the love He has for us? He loves THAT much + more.

my hope + heart overflows at the sight of a single vibrant red leaf, of the warm scent of maple pumpkin candles permeating my apartment, of a kitten eager for my attention + purring in my presence. & He cares about that too.

& it clears the air of the anxiety. He knows the plan He has for me. & although i’m in the hallway with no door to open yet, He is present. how’s about that for peace of mind?

hope will lead us on,

sarahjobell

to the glory {of the One who made you.}

this morning i was thinking about how frustrated + disappointed i’ve been over decisions made by people i care about.

& how rough my job feels when I’m dragging myself out of bed at 5 am, wondering if it will be a good or bad day at work.

& struggling to understand why a kind-hearted, Christian man just got diagnosed with terminal cancer.

so i listened to some new, uplifting steven curtis chapman music, then drove to quiktrip.

there, a man in front of me in line bought my drink, two packages of gum, & gummie worms.  i told him, “thank you so much, but you didn’t have to do that.” he said, “that’s the gorgeous thing. that i didn’t HAVE to do it.” even if i hadn’t been the one receiving this gift, i think i still would have been moved just by witnessing this + hearing these words.

i realized {while on the verge of tears} that God is in the small stuff. & i think He knew i needed to see Him work in my life today.

& although that man may never know how thankful i am for his generosity, i am sure glad i serve a God that makes Himself so apparent in the world around me.

it is hands down, the most incredible thing.

this is my evidence,

sarahjobell

your story's not over.

i pray for that girl i once knew.

that good girl.

the girl with an unchangeable heart.

that didn’t have to rely on a boy.

with a faith you couldn’t break,

brimming with integrity,

secure in herself.

you’re still that girl.

nobody.knows.

bags are by the door,

hearts are on the floor

there’s a bottle of tears on the dresser drawer…

nobody knows the trouble we’ve seen

nobody knows the price of this dream

& nobody knows what it took to believe.

{i just want to be free, like a runaway.}

falling.down.

take these broken streets

take these broken dreams

hold my hand like we’re walking free.

top of our lungs hallelujah

where pain + love bleed into one.

blown away.

i often find myself wishing that a storm would come ripping through...

shattering the windows,

tearing the doors off their hinges,

washing out the dust + disheartened overcast that has hung heavy in the air.

i want it all to just blow over + away.

& take my discouragement with it.

sarahjobell

if i don't speak {then who's gonna tell you?}

yikes! it scares me when my heart feels vengeful. & how easily it comes.

like perhaps me telling someone how awful they are makes me the “better” person?

i like to call it “crashing the party.”

we try to tear someone’s party favors down {their ego} when we feel that they have no remorse for hurting others. 

i’ve only done that a few select moments in my life.

but it’s history i don’t want to repeat.

it only seems comfortable to remain angry at a person who wronged you.

& practice verbally defending yourself in the mirror,

hoping to have a confrontation one day so you can tell them how you REALLY feel//felt.

but it doesn’t make things better.

& it won’t make room for healing.

forgiveness is necessary. grudges only hinder.

sarahjobell

battles + castles.

only a king would do anything to protect the kingdom.
{He left the comfort of His throne//to fight for victory.}

there You are.

i get so sick + tired.

of the critical.cynical.

harsh words. passive thought.

when it comes to You.

even Christians go through rough patches where God feels so distant.

or isn’t helping. providing. caring.

we have our scars + stories too.

but faith tells us that we know better…

God allows trials + hardships for good reason.

& i know better + enough. i don’t have to have proof or science to stay grounded.  & no, i am not living in a fantasy or lala land when i tell you faith IS enough. & yes that means i don’t have all the answers.

He will always be enough. my cup will overflow.

but still, it’s absolutely devastating to witness others divide themselves from Him.

push + tear Him away like tattered, dirty clothing.

i so desperately want to gather up their broken pieces + shards of glass

{not even a second thought whether it’s cutting my own hands},

& tell them “it’s never too late. His love runs so deep that He bled for you.”

He’s there + loving us like crazy,

sarahjobell